Drowned to Life

The Crash

2011-02-26T23:19:00.002+07:00

Last night, I was riding the bike with an inexperienced chick. We were headed to a friend's wedding in a remote village on top of the mountain. We needed to drive like 195 Kilometers. At the 165 kilometer mark, she made a sudden movement while we were making a sharp turn. The bike swung like mad. She was very nervous, she made another sharp movement. We crashed. The rear part of the motorcycle swung wildly and the front started to crash.

I think my sensible driving saved us. Or maybe it was sheer luck!

My bruises and little scratches still hurt though. :( Ouch.....

Eye Candy

2011-02-13T20:57:00.000+07:00

Added more orchids in my collection today. :_)

My New Hobby

2011-02-07T22:18:00.003+07:00

Would you believe me if I was to tell you that I spend most of my day in my orchid garden? Yeah, it might shock some of you who knew me.....

Actually, I do like taking care of my orchids, and I enjoy watching them grow. I watch them closely when the buds slowly open their petals to reveal exotic, colorful flowers.

Enjoy!

HiyaS

2009-11-08T15:29:00.004+07:00

Hiya folks! I'm just dropping by to check on my friends. Hope life is good for each and all. I'm doing great here in Palawan, PI. I do miss all of you back there, and I often think of the great times we all spent hanging out, livening it up, and keeping it real. I'm sorry I haven't been online much, but I'm just here..... I'll try to come here more often to keep in touch.

Should you happen to find yourself in Palawan, PI, do send me a shout-out coz I'd really want to hang out and catch up. I miss all of you back there. I seriously do.

I think I'll stay in PI for awhile, if not for a long long time. I'm contented about life as it is right now, and I'm very happy. Life's been good to me and I feel very blessed with the way things are going. I'm at peace with a lot of things and I've settled down somewhat..... I've understood that I have so many things to be thankful about. God has been very good to me.

Sober

2009-02-16T23:15:00.002+07:00

What About Now

2009-02-15T20:30:00.001+07:00

Happy "V" Day

2009-02-14T17:58:00.006+07:00

Happy Days.....

2009-02-13T14:40:00.002+07:00

Beautiful

2009-02-13T14:22:00.008+07:00

Baker's Hill, PPC, Philippines

2009-01-09T22:01:00.004+07:00

Enjoying Concepcion, Philippines

2008-12-29T17:57:00.012+07:00

I'm Alive!

2008-12-24T09:40:00.005+07:00

My life has never been perfect or boring. It has always been full of pain and drama. My childhood years were too painful to contemplate. I never got along with my parents or my family because they hurt me in many different ways repeatedly, sometimes intentionally and most times with their best intentions in mind. The Filipino culture is very different from the Western culture. 98% of Filipino parents try to run our lives and control our lives.
Six years ago I ran away. I didn't want to keep hurting and I wanted to be happy. I flew to BKK, looked for a job, studied, made friends and lived life. The perfect life I was hoping for never happened. People hurt me along the way. Strangers hurt me. My friends sometimes hurt me. Even people close to me hurt me. Life's that way. Life isn't easy. Some days we're happy, and some days we're sad, or lonely. Sometimes, it hurts to breath, and I have to force myself to get out of bed everyday.
The last few days have been very difficult for me. But I'm trying to snap out of it and live life, take the blows as they come. Life's interesting, mysterious, and fun, but it can be mean, and full of pain too. I don't let life beat me. I don't give life the satisfaction of dimming the light in my eyes. I may cry or feel pain or hurt sometimes, but I know that it's not gonna be that way all the time. And even if it was..... I have a reason to keep smiling. I'm alive!

Spot and Hershey

2008-12-21T04:02:00.010+07:00

2008

2008-12-21T02:05:00.005+07:00

2008 was an interesting year for me. 2008 was a series of lessons. I've learned a lot about myself and life. I've learned that I'm not perfect, but I shouldn't feel bad that I'm not because it means that I can improve on some things. I've learned that sometimes it's better not to say anything at all if I have nothing good to say because once you say something, you can never take it back. And I've learned that it never pays to be a bitch, and that I need to be more careful with how I phrase my words. I realize that we can't always get what we want because the world and the people around us doesn't owe us anything. Life's a series of problems, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Life is all about choices. In the end we choose. We all pay for our actions and the choices we make. We always pay! I've learned to let go. Lettting go is one of the hardest things in the world to do, but they say that if you love someone and he wants to go, you should set him free. If he comes back to you he is meant for you, but if he doesn't he was never meant to be yours. I've learned to love and take care of myself even more. Well, I plan on it anyway... because if I don't, noone else will. I've lost people that are dear to me; people who care about me; people who probably even love me. I had a quick mouth and there were times when I spoke without thinking. I was too opinionated and way too pushy to the point of being annoying. I can't undo what's been done. The past is the past, but I have an exciting future ahead of me in a world full of possibilities. I've learned a lot from the mistakes I've made this year. I want to think that life's a learning experience. If I learned something from my mistakes, then something good came out of it. And I think that if I take anger and self-pity off the equation......I have definitely learned from everything that has happened. I want to think that the bad experiences made me a better person, but in the end I still have to choose for I am solely responsible for my actions. A part of me wants to dwell in the past,but I'm teaching myself to let go, let things be. I realized that you can't force people to love you. All is fair in love and war. Life continues..... it goes on. I'm looking forward to the YEAR 2009. It opens opportunities for new beginnings. A chance to make better choices and better decisions. A chance to take resonsibility for the choices I make. See you in 2009. Party on! Live life..... It's a world full of possibilities.

Losing Hope is Gaining Freedom

2008-12-18T22:27:00.002+07:00

My BLACK Christmas

2008-12-17T21:10:00.014+07:00

Nosey Neighbors

2008-12-13T21:53:00.005+07:00

OK I'm pissed! People around here are giving me shit for drinking too much. WTF! It's my life, and I'm an adult. I do what I want. I don't need people telling me that I should stop drinking, or that I shouldn't drive at night, especally when I'm smashed. They have no right to get in my face and tell me what to do. They didn't raise me, feed me or give me money. I don't owe them a damn thing! It pisses me off that they're getting in my face and they're trying to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. I'm a grown woman. I know what the hell I'm doing. I'm not running around the neighborhood drunk and senseless. I don't create problems for anyone or myself. I keep to myself, and I don't get in their faces about their shit.

They have no idea what is going on in my life. They don't know what's going on in my head, nor do they know about the pain I'm feeling. They don't know that I'm broken. They don't know where I've been. They have no clue about who I am. They don't know me at all. Why do they give a damn!?!?

Lately

2008-11-02T22:23:00.006+07:00

Lately, I’ve been struggling and fighting with my inner demons. Depression has been my nemesis since God knows when. I've always fought with depression in various degrees of mildness or severity, since I can remember. Even as a kid, I found myself always the odd one out, attempting to exist in a place that didn't understand me, and instead of asking, it was just assumed that what and who I am was simply wrong. People close to me never made me feel loved. They were too critical about everything about me, that there were times when I felt it was a big mistake that I existed. Boy, I was glad to grow up! I hated being a kid. I was a kid when I felt most rejected, unloved, shamed and humiliated.

Since I move back to the Philippines, I felt abandoned by the very people that I thought were my friends, some closer still... more like family. It's funny how moving away and being here has brought so much clarity. Not that the picture is pretty. I've been used, manipulated, and tossed aside by some of the most amazing people I thought I knew. Even now, I can't convince myself to hate them, though trust me, I wish I could. Some days I wish I had a dick so I can slap them with my 3-inch limpy DICK! Well, I’m not exactly gay, but I was just trying to make a point. I'm not the kind of person who can live with negativity. I believe that life’s too short to worry about stupid shit. There are better things to worry about. The voices in my head tell me that I could fall into a deep depression, not leave my bed in three days or the house in weeks, but the rational and saner side of me tells me that letting myself fall into a crevice of my own making is not going to do me any good or make me feel any better.

I don’t doubt that I am a great person; I have been told that I am a loving person, and I’m pretty easy going , loads of fun (the definition of party itself) and relatively nice, but to be fair, I do not understand others well sometimes, or perhaps it is simply that I do not read others well. Perhaps they are the different sides of exactly the same coin. Confusion and chaos inevitably reign when I start reading in between the lines, or start making assumptions, so I've learned to trust my gutt and lean on hard facts.

A friendship, much like a relationship of any other kind, needs to be nurtured, cared for, and needs to be paid close attention to. The distance shouldn’t even be an issue, if one truly cares enough. Some very smart people invented computers and the internet, mobile phones, and even the good ole fashion snail mail still exist, you know.

I hate opening up and allowing myself to be vulnerable except when it comes to the people I love, but very very slowly, I am opening up to the changes; the different people around me, the different way of life here, the different routine. There's always room for new friends or acquaintances, but I reserve VIP rooms for old friends, the friends I have now, the people I care about, and the one I love.

Inconsequential Me!

2008-10-15T22:06:00.003+07:00

Is it wrong to ask for some sort of entitlement and a little recognition? Is it wrong to desire that your existence be acknowledged? Didn't some people say that if you're happy about something or if you respect and care about someone, it is normal to feel proud about it? It's human nature to hide the bad stuff after all. So am I right to say that it doesn't make sense when people hide something suppose to be good, and pretend that such a good thing even exist, unless of course that other person or thing happens to be inconsequential and insignificant........... me.

Viva Philippines!

2008-09-16T03:46:00.008+07:00

I've been in PI for two weeks, and I'm hoping that in time I will get used to the fact that I actually exists here because more often than not I still feel like a stranger, merely passing by. Everything about me is different starting with the way I wear my make-up, my clothing style, and my attitude about things. I still need to get used to the reliable, but somewhat unstable power supply and water supply. Surprisingly, my internet here is a lot faster than the supposedly high-speed internet I had in BKK. People are trying to accept me in the society, therefore everybody is being friendly, and they show it by interrogating me, even almost pestering me about the intimate details of my life. I guess, that's not a bad thing that people genuinely want to know me, but I've gotten used to 'blending in with the mob' and being an unknown in the middle of the crowd while I was away. I'm relieve that everywhere I go people speak Tagalog, English, and a few other dialects leaving little room for misunderstandings unless, I start being sarcastic or decide to be difficult. Despite all the quirks about being here, I realized that some things never change. I still very much enjoy the fresh calm air, the slow-paced way of life, the genuineness and friendliness of the people and their widely popular world-class hospitality. I know that sometimes I feel like a stranger here, but even strangers need a home. I am home!

No One by Alicia Keys

2008-09-16T03:19:00.000+07:00

Goodbye Thailand

2008-08-24T11:24:00.004+07:00

Thailand was my home in the last six years, and soon it wouldn't be. I believe that I haven't completely processed or sorted out my feelings about leaving Thailand for good. Maybe because I'm excited about the changes in my life and I'm curious how things will turn out in the future.

A lot of things happened in the last six years. I made good and bad choices. I made some friends who never seemed to value my sensitivity and individuality, constantly getting on my fce about stupid things; the very same friends who always stick by me when shit hits the fan, pulling me out of the grave with their beautifully manicured hands when everything inside me dies. It's ironic isn't it? What's poisonous today could be a cure tomorrow..... I fell inlove and had my heart broken. It was a disaster when it happened, but as soon as I was better I realized how strong I am, how stronger I had become, and I feel good about myself knowing that I could cope and that with the right choices things have a high probability of getting better in time. I even thank my lucky stars that things happened as they did because I wouldn't have met my bf and be with him right now if those things didn't happen. You see, life has all the answers, but it doesn't give it all to you in one day. I came to Thailand to escape from my family, and it's easily said than done. Independence came with a price and loads of responsibilities, such as doing the laundry and ironing, working for my bread and butter, and making sure that I had a roof over my head. But I had no time to pause and get scared or be logical about things. I did what I needed to do. Fate brought me to schools and classrooms. It was a blessing to be able to mold a child and influence their thinking and outlook in life. I will miss teaching, but I'm relieve that soon I will be self-employed because I do such a bad job in stomaching work politics.

I guess, I'm rambling, but I just want to say goodbye to my life and friends in Thailand. Life is a journey. I'm walking a new path and starting a new chapter in a world full of adventures and possibilities.

Cambodia

2008-08-18T13:46:00.004+07:00

The Countdown

2008-07-28T01:21:00.003+07:00

Time Remaining

Months:
0.90
Weeks:
4
Days:
26.94
Hours:
663
Minutes:
38,816
Seconds:
2,328,159.55

The Awakening

2008-07-16T09:29:00.005+07:00

There comes a time in your life when you finally awaken ... when, in the midst of all your weaknesses, insecurities, fears and bouts of craziness, you drop everything you’re doing and listen to that small voice somewhere inside your head that's been crying out for awhile, “Stop! Stop with the drama; Stop taking bullshit from people.” Then you start looking at the world in a different perspective. This is your awakening. You realize that any guarantee of being happy must begin from you. Happiness is a choice. You start to accept that you are far from perfect and not everyone will always like, love, appreciate, respect or approve of who or what you are. You stop pointing fingers at other people for the things they do, did to you, or didn't do and learn that the only thing you can really count on is yourself and the small sprinkling of people whom you trust. Some people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you, even your friends and that it's not always about you. You learn to look after yourself, stand on your own two feet. You learn to believe in yourself. You learn to accept people the way they are, for who or what they are without judging them. But you also learn not to compromise your views and values in the process of accepting people. How you view yourself, people and the world is a result between the combination of experience and your environment. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed, since you were a baby until now about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what gadgets you should have, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, how and where you should live, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends. You learn to expand your horizons and consider new concepts. So you begin reassessing and redefining who you really are and what you’re made of. You learn to discard the old values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with. In the process you learn to rely on yourself and trust your gutt. You learn that love exist in various forms and shades. You learn the true meaning of friendship. That it’s better to give than to receive. That principles such as honesty, integrity, loyalty, faithfulness, truthfulness and kindness are not outdated ideals but the essential rock, the foundation upon which you must build a life. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO, even to your friends. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs have all been burned centuries ago. Then you learn more about love; to love without fear, hesitations, conditions, or restrictions; to love with all your heart and soul. You learn to call a spade, a spade. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes because the only thing you have control of is yourself and your actions. And you learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly acceptable. You learn that, for the most part, you get what you believe you deserve. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working towards making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline, hard work, patience, commitment and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone. You learn to trust people who deserves your trust. You learn that there is nothing to fear and that the only thing you must truly fear is fear itself. You learn to step right into the future with unmistakeable confidence and throw your fears away because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and giving in to fear is giving away the right to live life in your own terms.

Jumbled Thoughts

2008-07-15T09:15:00.007+07:00

Which means more? An hour today or nine hours yesterday; a day in the present or the last ten years?
Is a heart capable of loving wholeheartedly if it still has some love for someone else?
You can't expect or demand from people to love you just because you love them. All you can do is love them without hesitations or conditions, and hope that they feel the same for you and love you in return.
Do not seek love, let it find you.
Are there questions we want to ask that we don't ask simply because we're scared to hear the answers, or maybe because we knew the answer all along, but we're in denial about it or just don't want to hear it?
I have learned that things in life aren't always black and white. There are grey areas and there are various shades of grey.
When does the past become history, so we can live the present without restrictions, and inhibitions, and look to the future with anticipation?
Is there a line dividing the past and present?
Not every question has an answer.

Ocean Size Love

2008-07-10T00:49:00.000+07:00

I know what I'm doing may be dumb
I know I should not be staring at the sun
But the thought of you leads me to temptation
It's the same whatever side you're on
Separated we are delicate and small
And the space between needs a retention

I see you right in front of me as close as you can get
And I pray that you won't leave this daydream yet

And it might seem much too far to get back to where you are
But it's close enough with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me
Send a sign across the sea and I'll pick it up with an ocean size love

I don't have to worry anymore
If I really need you I'll go to the shore
And the thought of you there is my protection

I see it right in front of me
A vision in my head
And I know this is as real as a daydream gets

And it might seem much too far to get back to where you are
But it's close enough with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me
Send a sign across the sea and I'll pick it up with an ocean size love

You make no sound but I can hear you in the wind
I can see this never ends
Like the sea
Like you for me

And it's close enough with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me
Send a sign across the sea and I'll pick it up with an ocean size love

And it might seem much too far to get back to where you are
But it's close enough with an ocean size love
So if you can't reach out to me
Send a sign across the sea and I'll pick it up with an ocean size love

2008-07-09T11:38:00.005+07:00

"Nothing is more dangerous than a friend without discretion; even a prudent enemy is preferable."

-- Jean de La Fontaine

Agreeing to Disagree

2008-07-08T14:04:00.013+07:00

I'm complicated. I'm easy going for the most part, until I decide to put my feet down about some things. I don't do it just to disagree or in order to get attention but, because it's a topic that means a lot to me, probably something very sensitive. I would defend my stand for as long as it takes others to see my point. I find it difficult to forget about the issue if I believe that it shatters 'the very core' or 'the foundation' of some things.

When I agree to disagree I sometimes have a hard time finding my footing and striking a balance between my beliefs and the weight I put on certain issues and what others think about certain things. But I tend to agree to shove things under the rug because I want to preserve the status quo, while a part of me gets frustrated, unwilling to relent, finding it hard to completely bury the issue at the back of my mind. It nags like a bitch! Teasing, willing me not to forget. Being forgetful isn't always a bad thing you know. Some people with perfect memories [mammaries ? ^_^ ] could, in fact be cursed! Forgetting is a good idea really, especially because I don't want to lose faith on something beautiful and something that makes me truly happy.

Being the stubborn person that I am, it means nursing an open wound, more importantly my bruised ego for awhile. No, I don't take it personally that others don't share my view on certain things but, it takes time for me to come to terms and be at peace with the opposing ideas and the inability to find a comfort zone in between.

I confront myself in the end to learn to respect the beauty of disagreeing, the strength behind the conflicting ideas because it's not as important as other things, like relationships for example. Believe me, it's easier said than done! But as long as I'm willing to understand differences, accept and respect them, and live with them without being resentful..... it means that I've learned something.

Love indeed conquers all.

2008-07-04T22:54:00.001+07:00

Myspace Html Codes | Friendster Graphics

Believe in Dreams

2008-07-04T22:27:00.003+07:00

Friendster'>http://www.alegoo.com">Friendster Graphics

The Faceless Stranger

2008-07-03T08:21:00.003+07:00

I'm a faceless stranger; a nobody. I am nothing special. I'm just a simple girl with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived. I love another with all my heart and soul; respected decisions and opinions that I might never understand, no matter the pain it cost me; accepted things as they are; enjoying life and it's quirks. To me, these have always been enough.

Let's Make Love

2008-07-02T22:47:00.001+07:00

True Strength

2008-06-29T19:47:00.010+07:00

Yes, there will be change as planned. I'm still going to the Philippines as planned..........

But I chose to work a bit longer until then, .......... although work has been increasingly difficult and demanding and is literally driving me nuts. If things are that bad, why am I still here? Why didn't I stick my middle finger and walk away?
.
No, I'm no masochist. I don't find pleasure in pain. And no, I'm no fool. I don't see dancing rainbows instead of the storm. I've always been a realist and I still am.
.

You know, anyone can give it up. Giving-up is the easiest thing in this world to do, but to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart is a sign of true strength.

Thicker Than Shite

2008-06-26T09:02:00.002+07:00

The bullshit at work is thicker than shit.

No Air

2008-06-24T18:45:00.001+07:00

No Distance

2008-06-17T11:41:00.008+07:00

There is no long distance about love. It always finds a way to bring hearts together, no matter how many miles are between them or how many hours separate them.

Dad

2008-06-16T12:13:00.014+07:00

I had a difficult childhood, it was a relief to grow up! I'm already at peace with the past but, a part of me is thankful for the distance. I'm living for myself and not for someone else's dream. I've traveled all over, fought my battles (sometimes winning, other times losing) and conquered (and been conquered) but, I'm pretty much still the same person inside. I know you all think I've changed, that I'm still living in the past haunted by demons and still unable to forgive you, or hating you. The truth is I'm long over the past. I've forgiven you for a long time. It was the only way for me to move forward. A part of me misses you all but, like the sun and the moon we can't really be side-by-side. We have to keep that distance because it's where we're suppose to be and we we're all made according to nature's design for a certain purpose. Just remember that where I'm at I watch you all. I often laugh and cry with you. Maybe, someday I'll see you all again. Life is strange and it can get even stranger. I want you to know that I love you from afar. Happy Father's Day.

Change

2008-06-14T17:09:00.007+07:00

I’m about to make big changes in my life and although I’m excited and psyched about it, I’m also feeling a little scared. I’ve been in Thailand for over 6 years, working in the same school for 5 years and the thought of moving forward and exploring other options somehow makes me feel like pissing my g-strings.

When I left The Philippines 7 years ago, I wasn’t as apprehensive and scared as I am now. I didn’t have much on me, didn’t have my career planned, and didn’t have a proper direction in life but, I took a chance and got lucky. Of course, I also made good choices but, everything was mostly about luck.

Now at 27, I have more worries than a 50 year old widow. And I shouldn’t be worried because everything is planned and I’m given the chance to work in a business that I would co-own, instead of slaving it out in the mice lab working for someone else’s business. I understand that this opportunity doesn't always happen to 27-year olds. I do consider myself lucky. This is my chance to break free, to work for myself and own my time. I know, the first 2-3 years will be hard work but, I'm willing to work hard because failure is not an option for me. No pain, no glory. Besides, I've always worked hard for my bread and butter. The only difference is that I work for someone else. Soon, I will be working for myself.

So why this strange feeling? I guess it's because of the changes that are about to take place. I'm about to turn my life 45 degrees and shift life to a new direction. It's a fresh start to something that has a high success potential. But the 'change' and the 'unknown' is scary. I guess, not only for me but, for everybody. I'm very different though because I am not afraid to try. I'm not afraid to make changes for the better. And I won't let my fears hold me back.

Lastly, I won't be alone in this new adventure. Someone very dear to me whom I care very deeply is going to watch my behind as he says. I asked him if it was figurative or literal. He answered, "both."

I look forward to that day where the big planned changes start to roll. I'm a little scared but, I'm very excited. Change is good. I welcome it!

Thursday Malady

2008-06-12T12:35:00.005+07:00

Having friends are cool but, when they start expecting too much and start telling you what to do or what not to do, you start having mild fantacies about living in the bottom of the ocean, joining the naked mermaids and mermen, wearing your plunging red tight skimpy dress and pink high-heels. Why not?

Why is it that when you let some people get too close they turn into your worst nightmare? Are they just insecure or is it the pink shoes? Yes, I complain but, it's my fuck-up. I chose the wrong bunch.

I don't let those experiences turn me into a paranoid ogre but, I let it teach me a lesson. After all, the world is filled with all sorts of people. I just have to pick the sane ones.

@ Gazeebo

2008-06-08T23:57:00.008+07:00

This Song is Catchy

2008-06-08T23:48:00.004+07:00

Only Fooling Myself
by Kate Voegele

I stop to catch my breath - And I stop to catch your eye
No need to second-guess - That you've been on my mind
I dream days away, but that's okay -
It's like I want to hear a silent sound - And then hold it in my hand
But a rose won't blossom from a ground - Of desert sand, but I like to pretend that

One day I'll turn around - I'll see your hand reach out
I'm only fooling myself, yeah, yeah, yeah, - But maybe when you smile
It means you'd stay awhile - Just maybe you'd save me now

Well, now it's etched in stone - That I can't survive alone - You have the missing piece
That I need so desperately - Yes, I slip away to a day that'll never come
It's like a splash of water to my face - When I suddenly realize - That you could never find a place
For me in your eyes, and I don't know why I keep thinking

One day I'll turn around - I'll see your hand reach out
I'm only fooling myself, yeah, yeah, yeah, - But maybe when you smile
It means you'd stay awhile - Just maybe you'd save me now

It's love in disguise - I'm lost in your mind - I'm lost in your eyes

One day I'll turn around - I'll see your hand reach out
I'm only fooling myself, yeah, yeah, yeah, - But maybe when you smile
It means you'd stay awhile - Just maybe you'd save me now - Save me now
Just maybe you'd save me now

It's All Good!

2008-05-18T18:17:00.002+07:00

Someone asked me if my bf and I broke-up and if I found someone new already (that's prolly a question someone who doesn't know me would ask, especially after reading my blog). I did write a few sob and sad blogs a few months ago. Well, the answer is NO. My bf and I had a little midunderstanding in the past, but that's in the past. It's all good now! We're doing great, and I'm happy and contented.

That Dinner

2008-05-11T22:25:00.008+07:00

Island Fun

2008-05-11T22:02:00.002+07:00

Bring Sexy Back!

2008-03-23T10:01:00.005+07:00

I Love This Song

2008-03-23T09:44:00.002+07:00

LOVE (according to my students)

2008-02-16T16:33:00.002+07:00

Love is something that makes you happy, but it makes you sad also. Love can sometimes make you blind. Tae G6

Love is when you like someone forever and you will follow him. When you're happy when you give him gifts. When your heart moves faster when you see him and your face looks like red strawberry. Wendy G6

Love is a good feeling that we give to each other. You love your mother and father because they care for you. You protect your friends from bad friends because you love them. When you give a gift it is not to be expensive, but you give for love. Love don't want benefits. Love always gives. Noey G6

It is hard to say what love is. But for me love is a beautiful thing. Many people say that love makes the world go around. I agree with that. Love is something in our life. We are born to love. Love never stops, no matter what. Yim G6

I think love is like loving a cute dog. People are the same. Anddy G4

Love is some people that you like. Danny G5

Love is when you care for someone. Love is when you hug. Love is when you kiss. Love is when you think of them all the time. Kevin G6

Love is nice because it makes us humans happy. But love is blind so we have to be careful. Love is great. Life is love. Love is life. Love is peace. But love needs sex. So love needs a boy and a girl. In this world there are many different kinds of people, so I don't complain. I like pure love. Ryo G9

Love is pain. Love is sometimes too hard and difficult. If you love someone and you can't have them, it is too agonizing. Sometimes we love someone secretly. It is pain. Love is pain. Jeff G8

Love is difficult because we need communication. I don't have comunication skills. All humans need love because we can't live without love. Haruki G9

Love is taking responsibility for someone you love. This love is pure. Love is sweet. But real love is difficult to find. Don't say I love you easily. Keep your love until you find someone you love. Hakira G9

Love is big. Love is heavy. Love is great. Yudai G9

Love is a precious gift. Some people say they don't believe in love, but some can't live without it. Sometimes love hurts us. Other times it makes us happy. Most times it makes us sad. Jina G9

Love is like chocolate. It can be sweet and it can be bitter. Am G9

Love is the epilogue of life. I've learned a lot of things from love. Love is like a book. When you change the page, everything will change. And it's like drinking salt water, you feel thirsty and will want to drink more again and again. But when the salt runs out, you no longer have love. Sally G8

Love is important. If we don't have love, we don't have the power to do anything. Love is like a knife. It can cut us. But we cannot live without love. Aor G9

Reformat

2008-02-14T11:24:00.003+07:00

I'm going to reformat my machine later after work. It will be a pain in the butt to re-install windows and the programs I want, but there's not much I can do really. Sigh...

Hacked!

2008-02-14T06:48:00.005+07:00

I was sipping a cup of coffee, switched on my computer, and waited for windows to load. Typed my administrative pw a few times, but I keep getting a msg saying that I typed the wrong password. I am positive that I didn't forget my pw. I've used it for years. I typed a few other pws that I use, still the same thing. Then it sunk in! I was hacked! I was hacked on Valentine's Day! I suppose this is what people call 'tough love.' My unlucky stars must have all lined up.

I am not sure what to do in order to get inside windows at the moment. I don't know how to reset my pw. Sure, I can always take my machine to the shop, but I'm not sure I want to do that. I have important stuff saved in my machine. I prolly need to buy a software for pw recovery. I'm not very sure if such thing exist. Anyway, just venting a little.

Brutal Tuesday

2008-02-12T23:01:00.000+07:00

I went shopping with a friend of mine today. She needed a dresser (with a humongous mirror). And she needed the bloody thing two years ago. Obviously, we had some catching up shopping to do, but we spent hours in that little shop. We ended up choosing a delicately carved wood dresser that comes with a cute matching chair. By then we were already both scared of the store owner who was officially pissed at us for turning his shop upside-down for hours, taking forever to go through every item in the shop, and for being indecisive. I elbowed my friend for the 3rd time after hearing the shop owner utter another exasperated curse for the nth time. In fairness to the bloke, he seemed well mannered enough when we got there, but his easy manner changed after an hour of sales talk and getting nowhere with us. He got more and more impatient by the minute after that. The poor guy. We didn't really mean to drive him crazy. After more curses, we decided to hand-in the money for the dresser. Now, the guy charged us an extra 50 baht for delivery. He asked us to wait outside his shop. We weren't allowed inside access to the shop anymore. I can't blame him really. So we waited for the truck outside, but we were both madly surprise when we saw a bloke walking slowly towards us, swinging from side to side, carrying the dresser we just bought. It was madness. A riot! It wasn't very funny at that time though. At first, we weren't sure if he was waiting for the truck or if he was the delivery machine himself. Then he looked at us with disgust, still swinging from side to side, gesturing what I thought meant keep moving. It was the strangest six block walk I've ever had in my life. I was still wearing my work clothes, my six-inch heeled boots. I prolly look like a cross between an exhibitionist and a dominatrix. I wonder what everybody who saw us thought. Two women in monkey suits, power boots, and make-up; walking, half running; being followed by a bloke carrying and at times dragging a dresser, swinging from side to side. Boy! It must have been a strangely crazy and ridiculously funny sight.

Wacky Monday!

2008-02-11T20:43:00.000+07:00

I just got home. I was doing some 'manual labor' at my gf's apartment. You see, she just moved there recently, but she's not very happy with the annoying 1.5 meters long x 5 inches wide gaping hole located on the top part of her apartment entrance. (After a thorough analysis, I still do not understand why the architects found it necessary to put that hole in there. Prolly just to annoy horny people. Or prolly for better air circulation...?) She couldn't have naughty phone conversations or fool around with her bf in her apartment coz she was too worried about her neighbors hearing/knowing what she was up to. Me and my girlfriends are all teachers, so we sorta obssess about our reputations a lot.

I have plenty of gfs, but they all treat me with reverence and respect because I know how to use a hammer and pliers! My words are as good as a command. It's a little bit scary coz they usually take what I say seriously. And I'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. And for those of you who have read a good part of my blog, you're prolly thinking hmmmmm.

There was a pink chair and a table wrapped in pink paper waiting for me when I got to my gf's apartment. Such warm welcome. It was tempting to sit on the pink chair and talk about how much I appreciate the pink working environment, but I'm a no-nonsense kind of girl so I decided to do some work. Besides, the pink chair and table was just for me to climb on to so I could reach the damn hole. No need to be sentimental about it.

Well, the cement we bought wasn't working very well, so we scratched the idea and decided to use styrofoam instead. We covered the styrofoam with white paper and painted it baby blue like her wall, and then super-glued the damn thing on top of the hole.

My gf was speechless from gratitude. She was in awe! She thanked me a million times for sorting out her apartment issues and mixed me a pink cold drink! :_P

Today work consisted of training first-aid and getting certified. I was taught CPR (for adults and infants); first aid and making slings to protect injuries (head injuries, neck injuries, leg injuries, sprains, fractures, etc); first aid for shocks, choking, epilepsy, burns, heat strokes, nose bleeds, cuts/wounds; techniques for moving, etc. It was rather an interesting day. At first I was apprehensive to do the application part, but I got high marks for CPR and did pretty well with the rest. Not a bad day altogether.

I cut my hair today and I'm loving it. It's still long, but it looks a lot fashionable. My hair used to be too long. And cutting 3 inches off it shows it off better in a fashionable and chic manner.

Words of Wisdom

2008-02-11T07:41:00.000+07:00

A friend of mine wrote me this......... The thing you want to do most is protect yourself while at the same time, live life. Wise words!

Island Vibe (Koh Samet)

2008-02-11T06:40:00.000+07:00

Don't Spank Me!

2008-02-09T20:20:00.000+07:00

All my girlfriends are out dating tonight, so I've got noone to talk to about my misery! It sucks to have noone to talk to in times of emotional crisis. It's almost as bad as running out of chocolate while you're sprawled on the couch, pretending to watch a cheesy flick while contemplating about your sob and sad miserable existence. Then I got really bored which complicated things. I just couldn't resist the manic urge to give myself something to laugh about. I started calling my girlfriends and they weren't happy. They were all in the middle of 'something something.' Some screamed at me, others pretended to be someone else and a few of them even used the 'bad signal excuse.' I admit I was rather annoying really, but I needed something to laugh about. And bugging my girlfriends seemed like a practical and brilliant idea. Am I bad? Nah, not really. Just being naughty!

Emo-Masochist

2008-02-09T18:13:00.000+07:00

Truth is ugly & love is a morphine. When it kicks in, it's a good high--with major consequences, but you try not to anticipate that. You forget the present and live on the moment of dancing homosexuals in pink tank tops & lacy panties doing pillow fights, and flowers, or kaleidoscopic burst of colors. You stop time and delay the gnawing hell of reality which is a very part of living. It's a moment when all things are sensible--a snug fit of two hands; a touch; aimless conversations; a gaze; a hug; down to a soft kiss.

Loving is a crime you commit to yourself. If there are no feelings involved I bet, it would've been a better thing since it'll be doing the crime but choosing the lesser evil for your own benefit.

We pick and we bleed but why not just bleed? Is it possible? Physical pain is more lenient and endurable than an emotional train wreckage. My freakin pins are seeping in again! f*ck!

If there is an equivalent to a broken heart--it's a broken will, I guess.

The urge to write about pain is a conducive subject for me because it's lethargic and numbing at the same time. I hate being type-casted, but I guess you can say I'm an emotional-masochist, but it's the only way to live when the world you know is a cold hard bitch.

Now my next sad story lingers just around here somewhere. It'll be done loading in the next God-knows-when. Can hardly wait...

Breakaway

2008-02-09T17:55:00.000+07:00

"Breakaway"
by Kelly Clarkson

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus]
Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

What if World War II had a chat room?

2008-02-08T20:35:00.000+07:00

If World War Two had been an online Real Time Strategy game, the chat room traffic would have gone something like this:
.
**Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.
**Eisenhower has joined the game.
**paTTon has joined the game.
**Churchill has joined the game.
**benny-tow has joined the game.
**T0J0 has joined the game.
**Roosevelt has joined the game.
**Stalin has joined the game.
**deGaulle has joined the game.
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
**deGaulle has left the game.
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
**benny-tow has been eliminated.
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
**Hitler[AoE] has left the game
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
**Roosevelt has left the game.
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
**tru_m4n has joined the game.
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!*
T0J0 has been eliminated.
**The Allied team has won the game!
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
**T0J0 has left the game.
**Eisenhower has left the game.
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
**tru_m4n has left the game.
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
**Churchill has left the game.
**benny~tow has left the game.
Stalin: i hate u all fags
**Stalin has left the game.
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
**paTTon has been eliminated.
paTTon: o sh1t!
**paTTon has left the game.*

What A World!

2008-02-08T20:26:00.000+07:00

People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird & they take Prozac to make it look normal.

- Bangstrom

Twenty Seven!

2008-02-08T06:30:00.000+07:00

I just turned 27 and 500 last month. You'd think I have it all figured out. You're wrong though. I still wonder why I'm here. And I still wonder where I'm going. I have goals, dreams and general plans about where I want to be, but it's a big world out there and life has no guarantees.

I'm scared of failure. Partly because no one will be there to catch me if I fall, not even my family, but also because it's just me against the world. Failure is not an option for me. It's just me who's got my back. A scary thought......

But I no longer swim against the current. I just go with the flow, see where the currents take me. I just hope I'm not floatinfg around in circles.

So where am I going? I'll get back to you on that. As I said earlier, I still haven't figured it all out.

Your Joy & Your Sorrow

2008-02-07T19:04:00.000+07:00

A friend sent me this quote and it hit a chord somewhere within me.

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked. And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears. And how else can it be? The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives? When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater." But I say unto you, they are inseparable. Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed. Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy. Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced. When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.

- By Kahlil Gibran.

This World is Sometimes Too Cold For Me

2008-02-07T15:54:00.000+07:00

Sometimes I feel that the world is way too cold for me. Now imagine it without friends, lessons, laughter, tears, experiences or colors. It becomes a tundra, a wasteland. I may bleed, suffer or hurt from time to time, but I understand that everything negative has a positive equivalent. I just have to take the good with the bad! This is the beauty of living. Or should I say the price we pay?

Day Dreaming......

2008-02-06T20:38:00.000+07:00

I woke-up feeling a little disoriented and lost. I stared absent-mindedly at the clock beside my bed. It was only 3:30 AM. I forced my eyes shut hoping I'd get back to sleep, wrapped my legs around my pillow, and hid deeper under my blanket. But sleep didn't come. I humored myself and started counting sheeps half-heartedly. Of course, it didn't help! Resigned to my fate, I decided to cheer myself up. No, I didn't do something kinky. It's too early in the morning for that. Well, not too early really. But I just wasn't in the mood.

I simply started fantasizing.... day dreaming.... I imagined clear blue skies, loads of sunshine, wild flowers in full bloom, dancing humming birds, hot chocolate, ice-cream, roasted marshmallows, a good night's sleep, echoes of laughter, love letters, erotic moments, hundreds of wet warm kisses, tight hugs, interesting conversations, all the happiness a day could hold in store, contentment, security, loads of trust, and most important of all LOVE.

Thoughts

2008-02-05T18:45:00.000+07:00

I've often thought that no matter what I would always be okay. Then something strange happened making me wonder if I would ever feel alright again. For a week I was living in my own little hell. I was slowly drowning in my sob sad emotions, too pre-occupied to care about anything else, but my misery. It blows! It sucks! It hurts like a bitch.

All my life all I ever wanted and needed was LOVE. I do not think I was loved as a kid, and I've always thought that love was mystical, a talisman that can make me happy. Is it? I will blog my thoughts along these lines some other time. I remembered gazing at the stars at night when I was little, dreaming of being held in someone's arms, feeling loved.

Not long ago, I was living in the clouds, happy, enjoying sunny days. I still find it hard to believe that I loose it all 'in one single act of childish jealous outbursts.' But I did! I begged, reasoned out, fought for the love I know I felt, but in the end I was defeated. It takes two to tango indeed.

Lesson learned...... but now it's too late. For I find myself alone once again in the middle of this crazy circus that some of you call life. I'm scared! Often times I've felt that I don't belong, that I'm an outcast. Once again I find myself washed-up in unfamiliar territory, not knowing which direction should I go, which direction is East.

I am cold, scared, numb and drained, but I'm standing my ground, never taking my eyes off the far distance............

I know it's just a matter of time before sunrise. Tomorrow will come. Tomorrow will be a new day! Maybe, it's too soon to search for rainbows, but I can surely start dreaming now!!! [Blueskies, warm sunny days, starry nights, flowers in full bloom, rainbows.]

2008-02-04T10:32:00.000+07:00

Life Ain't Always Beautiful
by Gary Allan

Life aint always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

CHORUS
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride

Life aint always beautiful
Some days I miss your smile
I get tired of walkin all these lonely miles

And I wish for just one minute
I could see your pretty face
Guess I can dream, but life don’t work that way

But the struggles make me stronger
And the changes make me wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time

No, life aint always beautiful
But i know i'll be fine
Hey, life aint always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride
What a beautiful ride

A Fun Ride

2008-01-08T15:19:00.000+07:00

I learned a lot of things in the past year. I learned to value my convictions and take a firm stand whatever the cost. I've lost many friends and it still nags like a bitch from time to time, but they say that life is a good teacher. I take things as they are and learn what I can from it. I like to think that I am a lot stronger right now, and a lot more picky when it comes to the people I surround myself with. After all, life is too short and I want it to be a FUN RIDE! I want to make the best of what I'm handed on my plate........ I want to laugh, skip, dance, smile, knowing that there are people who truly care about me and love me for who I am. I am going to live life without fear or worries, and savor every beautiful moment I am blessed with.

Warrior Child

2007-11-29T10:59:00.000+07:00

I was forced in a corner where I had to let go 60-75% of my friends. I don't really want to elaborate what happened. A few things come to mind when I think of the situation such as RESPECT, HONOR, and DECENCY!

Parts of this song 'Warrior is a Child' will explain my feelings better.

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running ....... (+noun) when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because his armour is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running ....... (+noun) when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armour
The warrior is a child

F A L L I N G . . . . .

2007-10-12T10:20:00.000+07:00

Been feeling weird lately. I guess, I'm no Batman! All the hurdles, hassles, crap and shit thrown at me is affecting me in a negative sort of way. I'm caving in. I'm starting to fall over the edge.... God knows how I want to make this work. I love him! I wanna walk hand in hand down the path with him, and see what's out there for us. This is how I feel and this is what I want!

Hectic Monday.... NAH!

2007-10-08T10:59:00.000+07:00

Funny day as hell. Ming the G1 teacher warned me that it's the fall moon so the G1 kids will be impossible and very energetic. She was prolly right! (Not sure if she was right about the full moon or about the students being energetic cuz it's the full moon though.)

Right now, they're doing LICE EXAMINATION to all the G3 students. Mr. Jamie McCoy said that a nurse will drop by in his class so his students can't come to my class at 10:30. Bwahahhahahaha Turns out that 3 office staff wearing bandanas, armed with fine combs and a white bedsheet will check each of the G3 students head/hair for lice. It seems like they're equipped with a pencil and paper as well. It's very likely that they're keeping count of each single LIE. Bwahahhahahhaa

Five minutes ago, Ms. Imelda threw Rico's shoes in the far corners of the hallway cuz he was running around like mad and he didn't arrange his shoes neatly like the other students. (Related to LICE EXAMINATION) (I am convinced that his bizarre behaviour is the result of extreme LIE INFESTATION.)

In A Daze

2007-09-20T14:48:00.001+07:00

I've been working harder than usual, beating deadlines, staying-in and working on week-ends, but they're peanuts if you compare them to my last two days at work. My last two days at work have been hell.

Two ESL teachers have been absent for two days and I have to cover their classes. I've been teaching 8 periods/day and isn't effective in my teaching anymore, but I am at the point where I don't care. There's simply no room to pause even for a second, and I'm afraid thinking isn't an option at the moment.

I understand, emergencies happen, but a responsible teacher will make arrangements + give you worksheets and an overview of the class + inform you of any schedule changes + etc. NO..... this isn't a perfect world so I didn't get any of those.

I thought it was gonna be fine as I looked-at (another teacher's timetable) at 1PM. It was suppose to be his last class, so I shut down all the machines in the language center, relieved that I'd have a bit of time to catch my breathe. Before I had time to register what had happened, the G1 Class stormed in - screaming, running around, clinging to me, grabbing me, fighting, etc. It was only then that I realized my day wasn't really over yet.

In a really pissed mood, I switched on the machines, bribed the pixies with stickers.............. and went to the loo to cry my eyes out. I've reached my limit and was really really tired.

Tragic Day!

The Rollercoaster

2007-09-10T11:05:00.000+07:00

Everything is a rollercoaster: friendships, emotions, happiness, sadness. Life's your free ticket to the rollercoaster ride (that will either make or break your life). This is the reason why I tend to enjoy my moments and grab whatever chance I get because we never know when they'll be available to us again!

I believe that everything happens for a reason. We build relationships, we break it apart. We make friends, we forget about the old ones. We laugh, we cry. We're happy one moment, sad the next.

Life isn't all about misery. It can be loads of fun, memorable, wonderful and amazing. In the end, it all depends who you surround yourself with - who you wanna be friends with.

There are times when life throws jokes at us, teaches us lessons and bitch-slaps us. It's all for the greater good. As long as we let life teach us and as long as we're dressed for the rollercoaster ride, we're good to go!

Bluesy Friday

2007-09-07T09:36:00.000+07:00

Post is unavailable because of security issues and internet malwares + spywares.

Post is under construction.

_________________Here Goes______________________

What is right and what is wrong? Where and how do we draw the line? Where does right end and wrong begin? Am I guilty as charged? Questions, questions, questions!

Just Another Day

2007-08-30T13:53:00.000+07:00

It's same ole, same ole, same ole shit. I could use a massage, especially my left calf. I was getting bad bad cramps last night and it woke me up a few times.
:(

Type a comment and tell me what your day is/was like! Tell all!

Pulling Hair

2007-08-27T07:54:00.000+07:00

7:54AM
I woke up feeling sugar high this morning; happy and in a very good mood, not my usual grouchy bastard self. I even managed to sing along while I listened to Indie Music. In fact, I even did some ironing this morning. Man, I must have been in a very good mood. The Villain wielding an iron = a once in a blue moon thing. (But you shouldn't judge me for I am an expert in hammers, pliers and screwdrivers, the only reason why my gfs treat me with respect and look-up to me with reverence, but that's another story.)

There was a cab waiting outside my door when I headed out of my crib. How lucky is that? The driver even left me alone to munch my Snicker Bar in peace. :) I even managed to catch the eye of some crazy cab driver on my left who kept winking and waving at me. I thought it was a little funny, especially the way he tried to get my attention and the way he trailed after the cab I was riding. Shit, another psycho! I seem to be a psycho, mentally deranged MAGNET. Is it because opposites attract, or is it a case of birds with the same feathers flock together? (I have a secret and I am not telling. No, he's no psycho. Thank goodness!)

So I got to work half an hour before I'm supposed to start teaching; plenty of time to do some fiddling, twiddling and tweaking. I needed to print my lesson plans, but started cussing non-stop when I found out that some files couldn't be printed because I saved it on Excel Vista (in my notebook) and we're only using Excel 2003 (at work) or something like that. Hell, who knows! All I know is that I'm in a raged right now and Bill Gates is lucky that he's not within reaching distance. If he was around I cannot promise to retract my claws and fangs. Warning!!!! The Villain does bite!

10:30AM
I just taught two periods, but I nearly had a stroke before the class even finished. There were no seats for half of the students in my class and there was nowhere else to put them. Holy Shit! This is madness in its severe form. To make matters worst, someone decided to change the time table and my team is about to start a riot. Noone is happy! Hell, I'm unhappy as my team, but I keep my mouth shut because I'm suppose to be the leader. The students don't know which class to go to and we're still waiting for the new 'time table' print outs. I am on the edge!

3:30PM
It's finally time to go home. Had a verbal tussle with a team member (earlier), but I decided to let it go because everyone had a long hard day, including myself (and her). On second thoughts, I should have bitch-slap her (Bite me if you don't like that statment), but that wouldn't have been appropriate, so I'm glad I suffered in silence. Well, time to pack some work (books), loads of it actually (for good measure). It is time for me to leave work and go home (to start working). How ironic!

EFF!

2007-08-26T21:35:00.000+07:00

Fu**! Does anything ever work in BKK? My internet just went down and I'm stuck in a crappy internet cafe at the moment. I was in the middle of an important conversatin with an important person. Why of all times will the internet die on me? Hell, I've got shitloads of badluck! Fu**!

No Luck

2007-08-25T21:12:00.000+07:00

I'm so unlucky that if I fall into a barrel full of dicks, I'd come up sucking my own thumb!

Life Explained

2007-08-24T12:34:00.001+07:00

This really does explain a lot....

The Ankle Support (GROUP)

2007-08-21T07:42:00.000+07:00

Right, so I'm wobbling around with my ankle support today. My right ankle has been bothering me for awhile now, but I aggravated it yesterday when I did a sprinter in my wedges while I was out and about with my gfs. It was raining cats and dogs! We went to Pantip and stormed the place looking for memory sticks, notebook fans and mobile phones. I almost bought one. Bah, it was only 8,000 Baht, but decided to wait for a week or two - I want one that can snap pictures and record videos. Then we all went to KFC of all places. A friend of mine is fixated on burgers at the moment, sob. We stayed in KFC for awhile and I had yummy creamy sundae! Hit another restaurant after that for proper drinks - I had pineapple juice. Yumm!

The Villain Speaks

2007-08-16T21:35:00.000+07:00

I work and party. I like to do what I want, when I want to. I try to keep it real whenever I get the chance, as much as possible and sometimes that can be a problem for some people (who used to swear they got my back), but that's cool with me because I just don't give a shit any more.....

Everyday I run into people I knew a while ago and some who I still know. They act as if they don't know me at all, pointedly ignoring me. That is cool with me, but I wish they would just "keep it real" like they always say they do. I wish they would snap out of their attitude problem and start acting like a (real) human being again. It's not hard to be civil at all. And I'm almost sure it's not that difficult to be a human being!

Treat me with respect! Treat me like a human being! Be a friend, instead of hanging your haughty noses in the air. Well, if you want to...... keep standing like that with your haughty noses so I can smack you in the face with my 5 inch limpy Di*****!

Ya'll know that I am not a bloke and that I do not have a di*****, so I might have to use my hand (or grow one)! Watch-out biatches and hos. Shite's comin down on you!

Empyrean

2007-08-16T21:09:00.000+07:00

Empyrean to me...... (in random order)

1 A brief conversation (30 secs - 3 mins) in between classes
2 A bag of goodies!!!!!
3 An unexpected letter/e-mail
4 Ice-cream or Dinner + lengthy conversations with the girl friends
5 Online Gaming
6 A cup of coffee
7 A box/bag of chocolate
8 Flowers given by nice/sweet/cheesy blokes or flowers I buy for myself
9 Stuffed toys
10 Shopping
11 RED nail polish
12 RED lipstick
13 Scented candles
14 Mascara + eye-liner
15 Boots
16 Books
17 Music
18 I-pod
19 Friends
20 Booze
21 Cigarettes
22 Dancing
23 Garlic bread
24 Dead body (bolster)
25 More Booze

Cheers.........

2007-08-08T18:00:00.000+07:00

THIS IS A TOAST TO US BEAUTIFUL LADIES IN THE HOUSE...

To the men who have us,
The losers who had us,
and the lucky bastards who will meet us!!!

Narcolepsy & Trepidation

2007-08-07T09:32:00.000+07:00

Chillin' like a villain has a whole new meaning to me. - It's being glued in front of the computer for 12 hours or more doing tons of work, dropping lbs of weight from lack of sleep, after 5 bottles of M150, with loads of paper work due on Friday, and students threatening to attend classes before Monday, more paper work due on the 17th and even more paper work due on the 24th. Oh shit! This is life and here it goes! It's brainfreeze just thinking about it. I need to take a walk, smell the flowers and catch my breath. My personal life is going down the drain - no friends, no time for booze + stimulants..... my old habits almost forgotten. I need a cigarette! I wonder whatever happened to the word, "chill."

The co-existence of drive + deadline(s) is torture. Life's a bitch! And payback's even bitchier!

It's narcolepsy in its severe form. I catch myself fading every now and then, or for a moment........

Trepidation! Trepidation! Trepidation! Trepidation! Trepidation! Trepidation! Trepidation! Trepidation! Geez..

2007-08-05T09:19:00.000+07:00

Truth is ugly & love is a morphine. When it kicks in, it's a good high--with major consequence, but you try not to anticipate that. You forget the present and live on the moment of dancing homosexuals in pink tank tops & lacy panties doing pillow fights, and flowers, or kaleidoscopic burst of colors. You stop time and delay the gnawing hell of reality which is a very part of living. It's a moment when all things are sensible--a snug fit of two hands; a touch; aimless conversation; a gaze; a hug; down to a soft kiss.

Loving is a crime you commit to yourself. If there are no feelings involved I bet, it would've been a better thing since it'll be doing the crime but choosing the lesser evil for your own benefit.

We pick and we bleed but why not just bleed? Is it possible? Physical pain is more lenient and endurable than an emotional train wreckage. My freakin pins are seeping in again! f*ck!

If there is an equivalent to a broken heart--it's a broken will, I guess.

The urge to write about pain is a conducive subject for me because it's lethargic and numbing at the same time. I hate being type-casted, but I guess you can say I'm an emotional-masochist, but it's the only way to live when the world you know is a cold hard bitch.

Now my next sad story lingers just around here somewhere. It'll be done loading in the next God-knows-when. Can hardly wait...

Confessions..................

2007-08-02T06:17:00.000+07:00

Dear G,
Get your leather and helmet. Let's ride until we're free from the bondage, out-run the demons, until we're far away from the chains. Ride as far as we can, as fast as you can. Flee from your prison, something that's been your home for awhile. Fear not, I'll take your hand and fly you to the skies, show you where the sun rises and where it sets. I'll build a rainbow to connect day a night, make sure you get long summers, blue skies and only brief winters. You never have to worry about your MARKER - whether they're high or low. We'll ride in four directions at once, go where the sunrise and sunset meet. A place where there's no illnesses, no pains, no worries - somewhere where there's no tomorrow. A place where time stands still, where things last forever. Take my hand, let's ride. Ride as fast as we can. Feel your heart beating fast, pumping hard. We're almost there, we're almost there.

Dear S,
I love your letter. It made me cry. ;) Thanks for the advice and for sharing your thoughts with me. I like bouncing ideas with you.

Dear C,
I am still alive. I haven' left or disappeared. I'm just being me at the moment. :)) I hope you're OK and I'll talk to you soon.

Dear Ogre,
I'll write you a long e-mail soon, but I wanna see you post in my blog. Would be nice if you write about Israel. Haven't done any of that recently. I remember,... there was a time when I used to care.

Dear R,
Stop pushing me. It's human nature to push back when pushed. You're a nice person and all that, but.......................

L,
You haven't changed. You're still a bitch! Get-off my back!

Remembering The Good Times........

2007-07-27T03:47:00.000+07:00

I remember...... the full swing party at Super Fly last Saturday night. We were still friends then. We were given' it large - shakin' it hard, playin' the crowd and showin' everybody how a party ought to be done.

I remember......the free booze bein' passed around, the jacked ciggies. :) We were dancin', bouncin', shakin', laughin'. I thought I saw half-a-dozen cocktails and some shooters on our table. Ahhh, special delivery.

I remember......moving to Spice Club as planned. Somebody grabbed me from behind, so I turned around and screamed, "hey," my right hand in mid-air, a few inches away from that guy's face. Do you remember? It's a good thing he was someone I know, a friend of mine actually, so he was saved (from being slapped) in the last minute.

So, we were partying our silly selves, shakin' it hard and 'hotly' grinding to the beat. It was fun, I have to say. I confess, we added a few drops (or maybe a few shoots, I must say) of vodka to your margarita, but it was all done in good fun. It wasn't meant to harm you or drive you over the edge.

Then the tantrum started. Must have been the margarita or the vodka in the margarita, or the rounds we had at Superfly, but you started bein' agressive, in that offensive tone of voice. I smiled while quickly putting-on my diplomatic colors. But you got even more difficult and bitchier by the minute.

I was too nice that night. That's why someone jumped-in and said a word to you about treating friends, etc, etc. I feel a little guilty though. I shouldn't have put my friends on the spot, in order to defend me. It was my job to stand-up for myself. You were wrong to treat me like that though and I'm grateful to my friend for sticking-up with me. That was nice of him.

This is the story of how I lost my other bestfriend. :(

Everything Happens for A Reason

2007-07-20T06:25:00.000+07:00

Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.

I've Got Da Blues......

2007-07-12T16:18:00.000+07:00

I wanna cry, but the tears refuse to fall. I wanna scream so loud at the top of my lungs only to break down in sobs without shedding any tear, a voiceless tearless cry. I've hit a wall, a hard thick wall in every direction slowly enclosing me.

All my friends can't help me. I can hear the chains rattling louder and louder outside my door, the shriek of my voiceless cry piercing the quiet air and filling it with tiny little sobs of someone begging, someone suffering.

Torn in tiny little pieces, I stared at the far distance. Once again, the tears fall down and I screamed a voiceless tearless cry for the blues have gotten a hold of me and I must face them alone.

Now, I must face myself and fight my own battles.

Stray Thoughts

2007-06-18T06:18:00.000+07:00

Whilst I was little, I used to think I had many friends. I played with other children, talked to everybody, giggled with the girls and fought with the boys. Yet, even when we’re fighting, we were all still friends and we patched things up at lightning speed. Life was very easy then. It was less complicated. Then one day, I turned my head from side to side and saw not many, but a person or two behind me, the only real friends I have. Ahhhh, the magic of growing-up and getting old!

As a kid, I used to wish that I was already a grown-up so I could make my own decisions and live life the way I wanted. Little do I know being an adult has its complications. It comes with a price. Adulthood is haunted by responsibilities, choices and day to day realities. Sometimes, life even puts me in a position where I have to choose between friendships or my principles. Either way (I choose), I still emerge a loser. I wish I was still a kid. Maybe, things would be a lot simpler the way it used to.

I have learned to value friendships like never before and to be honest, it is a little too late for I have lost some valuable friends along the way. Something I will regret for the rest of my life. (No, I am not innocent! Upfront, I’m very easy going, bubbly, nice, a little care-free, a little crazy, cracks jokes, and just chilled, but I am very scary when angry. I switch people off! Literally! I can be stubborn at times, even a little bit egoistical, standing for what I believe to be right and will never let people walk all over me. I should be hanged! I’ve lost too many friends, the real ones.) Life is indeed a very good teacher. If we choose to live and learn from our mistakes, hopefully, we will regain ourselves back and get a glimpse of the kid in us.

To my other bestfriend ER, I want you to know that in my eyes you will always be my bestfriend and will never cease to be. Yeah, things seem irreconcilable at the moment, but they say, “Time heals all wounds.” Tomorrow is another day.

Oh Sure!

2007-06-13T22:16:00.001+07:00

Blah, Blah, Blah

2007-06-06T13:10:00.000+07:00

I don't really know what to say. It's been a 'bad' day for me. One of those days when things just seem to go wrong. Had a falling-out with my other bestfriend and it seems to be sorta final. Maybe, I should just sleep and do nothing - that might save the day. Meanwhile, I should make an appointment with a shrink, join some meditation (preferably yoga) sessions and visit a priest or a minister as well.

Yesterday, I had to sort-out my visa stuff. It took longer than expected. I missed an appointment with a friend and was late for my other appointment, dinner with my bestfriend Lyndaile. Afterwards, I ended up in a shower party with strict dress code regulations. Then I was dragged to the airport for hours to drop-off Lyndaile's other cousin Gyn. NO, NO, NO, the story doesn't finish there. I lost some cash on the way back. (Not that much, enough to pay for 2 dinners prolly.) I hate loosing shite though, so I was feeling a bit on the edge. I wasn't pissed at Lyndaile though, even if she mistakenly gave some of my 1K baht to the driver thinking emmmm as 100s. That was an honest mistake. I was just pissed coz I was feeling so unlucky! I really don't want to fight with my bestfriend Lyndaile coz my other bestfriend has just declared war on my assz!

Now the dog..... The dog downstairs hates me with a vengeance. He has known me for 2 weeks, but he still barks at the top of his lungs and lunges himself at me, every time he sees me. The girl downstairs said that the doesn't like red or pink colors. I am afraid that the friggin' dog doesn't have any fashion sense at all, but maybe, he's right. It is I who does not have any fashion sense at all.

Grr! Grr!

2007-05-25T20:19:00.000+07:00

Nah, I didn' just have a fight with my other best friend (ER). That was a week ago. I had this "sour face" after I was told by my landlady that they've sold their crib, that they want to take down the curtains inside my room coz they are taking it with them. Had I been given enough notice I wouldn't be that upset, but the five-minute notice was a little too damn short, I guess. Confound it with the fact of possible eviction......... I totally lost it. I was in a rage!
This is the curtain in question. It isn't anything special, but it serves its purpose - a very handy curtain indeed. This curtain creates a wall between me and the outside world, helping me maintain my privacy. I can do whatever and be whoever in my room without worrying about being seen.
Mad, I felt the need to take a walk. After strolling for 5 minutes, muttering soft curses under my breath to noone in particular, I spotted a convenience store. I went inside the store hoping to find nice curtains for my room. I searched the store for a few minutes before finally accepting the fact that they didn't sell curtains. I settled for white drawing paper and purple construction paper - the only available color. I covered the glass windows with papers and used my scarves (which I never really use) to add extra touch. Not bad!
Grins! I am proud of myself for making the best out of a fucked-up situation, turning what could have been bad into something better. I am proud of myself. I know I sound vain, but believe me..... I used to be different. (In a bad way, anyway.) I am much more flexible these days, more patient, more responsible with the choices I make and the actions I do, much more realistic and even a lot nicer. I guess, it is a sign that I have grown-up a little bit more.

Filipino Courtship

2007-05-20T08:12:00.000+07:00

I have discovered that loads of Filipino women, myself included have been caught unawares and have been shocked when they were refered to as gf or girlfriend by the foreign guys they date. I do not think it is a question of feelings, but rather a mismatch of the terminologies dating and gf from either or both parties. I understand that after a couple of dates and doing stuff together, loads of foreign people will start referring you as their girl or their gf. I do not think there is something wrong with that. It is merely the mind-set of the Western Civilization.

In the Philippines, courtship is a little bit different. Normally, you date for awhile. Then the guy will start courting the girl he wants to be his girlfriend. He tells her of his intentions. "You are beautiful as the mooon. The sun gets its light from your eyes. Your wild cascading hair is a joy to behold. I love you. Will you be my girlfriend?" The courtship can be a little crazy - the guy will bring his friends, a guitar and serenades the girl outside her house, the guy gives roses or small delicacies, writes love-letters to the girl, and some very determined guys even help with the house chores. This goes on for weeks or months depending on how interested the guy is. Some Filipinas wait for months before accepting the guy's love, before telling him that she loves him, that she wants to be her girl. Accepting the guy's love proposal too soon is considered cheap and in bad taste. The courtship longevity and intensity is a test to the guys and their intentions, carefully staged and watched by the girls.

Sometimes, us Filipinas are still caught off-guard when someone calls us their girl. Of course, we don't expect the guys we date to do the the whole nine yards of the Filipino dating scene, but we still get caught off-guard with the terminologies and we mostly call those we date as friends. It is noting personal really, but the term my man and boyfriend will take some time to get used to outside the Filipino dating context.

Blurbs

2007-05-07T12:58:00.000+07:00

When I was born, I was closest to being a complete and decent human being. I wasn't corrupted by the world as yet. My thoughts were purely mine, my actions my own and not done to please others, nor to conform to what the collective majority perceives to be acceptable, or do what has to be done.

I am no longer a child and everyday I struggle to conform with everybody else. I struggle in my day to day battles to find my way in the middle of the chaos, and to propel myself forward in a society that sometimes move back and forth. I ponder at crossroads, uncertain where it might take me, but I keep trying, taking my chances, hoping that I learn valuable and important lessons as I journey through.

At the moment, I feel that I am drowing. Drowned in this big wide world, the parties, the drinking and my friends. Do I still exist? Can I still find myself somewhere in the middle of the chaos? Have I disappeared? Have I drowned, forever lost in the middle of the confusion, the parties, the drinks? How do I stop myself from drowning? How do I stop the world from engulfing me? I guess, in the end, it never stops. Destiny brought us into this world. Maybe, we are all here to suffer. Maybe, we are all here to drown. Or maybe, we are all here to party. Maybe, we're all here to have fun!

- copied from
Drowned to Life
by GracelessFawn

Bali High.....Mount Batur, Lake Batur & the Wild Blue Sky

2007-04-13T00:44:00.000+07:00

Love? (Pattaya Observations)

2007-04-12T23:41:00.000+07:00

He is between 55-65 years old. He's a certified old dude! She's in her 30's. She is young, beautiful, sexy, attractive and (still) firm. Had you been there with me watching the couple, staring intently at them, observing their every move - you will marvel at the peculiarity/intensity of the situation. Maybe, she's a bar girl, but who are we to judge her? We all have a past....... We all work for a living. We are all slaves: enslaved by our boss, our jobs, our families, our religion, the society and to many different things. Besides, what one does to her body is her business. I used to cringe at the sight of an old man with a young girl, 30 years younger than him (or there abouts). It's very wrong," I used to say. It took me awhile to realize that I wasn't seeing things clearly. I was blinded and distracted by my values and the societal norms we are all expected to follow.

I now see the happiness planted on the men's faces. They genuinely look so happy and satisfied. Yes, I am aware that loads of old guys pay for this kind of lifestyle, but I now understand that it is a good investment (with instantaneous return of investment). I see life, loads of excitement in their eyes, a kid deep within. A young warm body at night is soothing! As long as they can afford it.......... Most people who examine these phenomenon tend to focus their attention to the old men alone, sometimes, even making them feel bad for wanting to have a good time and for wanting to live life happily. What about the girls?

A closer examination would show us that the girls have highly benefitted from their old men. Almost every young girl dating an old dude gets paid with a reasonable amount of money so they could support themselves and their families. Some are even provided with their every need and whim by their retired bfs. In fact, most girls are financially dependent on their old boyfriends. For a girl without proper education, coming from a small corner with an entire HERD/SWARN of familiy to support, any sort of help is BIG HELP.

I believe that neither one is exploited in this kind of relationship. It is mostly a business transaction (where one pays for the services rendered and for the damages incurred [kidding]) or an agreement between two people with different needs, each one capable of meeting each other's needs. Is it love? Who knows? What is love anyway?

Way Back Into Love (Music and Lyrics)

2007-03-24T11:36:00.001+07:00

Way Back Into Love (Music and Lyrics)

2007-03-23T21:21:00.000+07:00

I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past, I just can't seem to move on

I've been hiding all my hopes and dreams away
Just in case I ever need em again someday
I've been setting aside time
To clear a little space in the corners of my mind
All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
Oh oh oh

I've been watching but the stars refuse to shine
I've been searching but I just don't see the signs
I know that it's out there
There's got to be something for my soul somewhere
I've been looking for someone to shed some light
Not just somebody just to get me throught the night
I could use some direction
And I'm open to your suggestions

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love
And if I open my heart again
I guess I'm hoping you'll be there for me in the end
There are moments when I don't know if it's real
Or if anybody feels the way I feel
I need inspiration  Not just another negotiation

All I want to do is find a way back into love
I can't make it through without a way back into love  
And if I open my heart to you
I'm hoping you'll show me what to do
And if you help me to start again
You know that I'll be there for you in the end

Chillin Like a Villain

2007-03-17T07:47:00.000+07:00

This is me-self GracelessFawn, chillin' like a villain and getting ready for the ultimate all-night hardcore partying (and dancing).
Smilin at me-self and taking another look at me-self in the mirror. Mirror, mirror on the wall.......... I am starting to like myself more these days. Yes, I still look the same, but I have started to like myself. I guess, that's a good sign. (I know for a fact that being happy with one's self is a great thing.)
I am just me. I am the villain. Now, I am more comfortable with myself, my facial features and how I look, than I have ever been all over the years. Its a great feeling to be free from my insecurities and fears.
I am not vain and I know that I am endowed with more brain cells, compassion, curiousity, the drive to party and the drive to learn something new every day, writing skills (a little anyway), creativity, wisdom and loads of inner strengths than I am with physical attributes, but it doesn't bother me. I am happy to be who I am and I am happy to be me!

This is my best mate Lyndaile. She's a very great friend. She's friggin cool and amazing! She never fails to support me every time I am in need of support, encourage me when I feel down, make me laugh when I start to get stressed or when I despair, hang-out and party with me when I am bored, carry me through life when I couldn't walk anymore, carry my burdens for me when I couldn't any longer. She also loves sharing good and happy times with me. (And we've shared some pretty great times, loads of it.) I hope that I am doing a half-way decent job of being a good friend to her, the way she is to me. Cheers to the great times! Cheers to the shared bad times, as well! (The bad times would have been hell if you weren't my friend).

I also have a best friend who's fantastic and great in a lot of ways because he tells me all the bad and good things about me, most especially the bad ones. He enables me to see my strengths and weaknesses and he is not afraid to tell (me) the truth, no matter what and he is never afraid to tell me that I am wrong, if he thinks I am. He encourages me and stimulates my mind. (I learn a lot of things from him.) He is a great listener and I love the conversations (they are always fun, stimulating, interesting and fantastic)! He is a friend that I wanna keep forever for he is very special and a rare treasure to find. What great friendship!

Just hanging-out and having a wee bit of fun. Ohhhhhhh.... I love ladies night! Free booze at the Witch's Tavern (for ladies) every Wednesday from 4PM til 9PM.

Chillin' some more. I think that my bestfriend is lurvin the Rum + Coke. Do you want another one Lyndaile? There's more over there! *points to a counter*

This is the Villain laughing, giggling, smiling and happy! This is the Villain laughing, giggling, smiling and happy!

This is my best mate and I trying our darnest best to crack a joke. We failed. So, we started goofing around and made silly funny faces. (That's what we were trying to do.)

Partying and having a good time. I wonder what happened to my drink. Waiter, may I have Vodka + Orange Juice please?

Aight... This is my 1st drink and I am waiting for my 2nd. Now, we're talking! Party time fellas! I wonder where Lyndaile went. Hmmmmmmmmm.

This is Newton, a dude we met in the bar (that night). It was loads of fun to hit the dance floor with him and he was so kewl. Don't worry fellas. I am one smart lady. The stuff I do in bars, the people I met there, the people I dance with,.... I leave them in the bar (where it/they should be) when it is time to go home. Inside a bar/disco/pub, I talk to people, socialize, meet people, but I have learned to separate 'real life vs party life.' I guess, I've learned my lessons and I'm glad I did.

Empty

2007-03-17T07:42:00.000+07:00

by Janyn Ivy Rusia

This restless aimless soul of mine
Wandering in four directions
Insatiable soul within
Stirring seeking empty pleasures

The energy within me stirs
Awakening and moving me
And so the party life started
Empty pleasures, empty pleasures

A servant to the drink that kills
Aimless souls coming and going
Fatal self-gratification
Dark tomorrows and empty dreams

Souls like mine coming and going
Fatal uncalculated moves
No discernment, no emotions
Pleasure today, none tomorrow

Is there salvation from drowning?
Is there hope that I be reborn?
Is there time to start all over?
Am I late or am I on time?

Random Thoughts

2007-03-10T12:39:00.000+07:00

What is life and where are we going? Are we all crawling slowly towards the dark pit of doom? Are we on our way to paradise, an abstract place people blindly describe as fun and perfect? Why are we all born and why do we all die? Are we here to feel pain, to sin, to self destruct, to be the slaves of our desires and dreams, to fight in wars, to feel the pain of letting go, to watch the hatred in the eyes of others, to see abandoned children in the streets, to witness other people change for the worse, to feel hunger if we don’t (eat) work, to be enslaved by rules that others dictate, to be at the mercy of our fates? Why do we cry, why do we dream and why do we desire?

Every day, I see women crying in the papers, the television and books. I've witness (confused, depressed, hurt, and etc) women in real life break down and cry. I imagine that a lot of women in the privacy of their bedrooms bury their heads in their soft and comforting pillows, to break down and cry. The very thought depresses me.

I have reason to believe that our dreams, illusions, assumptions and our distorted view of our current truths and conditions hurt us.

Expectations are killers, even worst than nukes for nukes could only kill bodies, but unmatched realities + expectations could shatter a person’s heart into thousands of little pieces and make a person very unhappy.

Unhappiness is a plague that is slowly consuming people. A lot of people go out of their way to be happy, a noticeable symptom of unhappiness. Those who seek happiness will never find it because happiness is something that can’t be sought. Happiness is a state of being, a state of mind. In other words, happiness is always around us, but so is sadness, boredom and despair. State of being means the truths or your realities now and how you deal with them. Happiness is found when there is contentment. How we see and deal with current realities will determine our happiness. The key to happiness is acceptance. By accepting our true circumstances and by looking at them eye-to-eye and working with them, we start to see the happiness that is always there in our midst, ever since from the start.

Illusions are our distorted views of the current situation and of our current realities. We tend to start dreaming when we cannot change current circumstances, in order to convince ourselves otherwise, but who are we kidding? Dreams are fun, but they are not real and they only serve to remind us of how unhappy we are about our current circumstances.

---- I'll post more thoughts after the sauce. Ciao for now everyone for I am off to party with some kewl friends! PS - Goofball, you are invited! Just pop-in!